Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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