i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
