The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why do cheetos always look like penises
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
