Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
