I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
