you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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