My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize