Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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