put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
