im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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