my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
