you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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