mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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