I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
