She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
