She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
