his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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