I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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