2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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