when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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