I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
