Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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