I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
