dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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