As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
