if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
