Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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