i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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