my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
