and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
