i just wanna soil my oats bro
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
