Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
