I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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