I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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