I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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