How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
