he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
