I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
