I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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