dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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