I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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