I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
