a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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