I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
