How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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