Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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