I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
