worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize