Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
