textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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