Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
