I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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