Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
