It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
