tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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