OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
