i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
