Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
