Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
