I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
