The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
