last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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